


Countdown - 2019

by taj_mahal



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: 10 to 1, Character Study, Here's hoping for an even better season 2019, Introspection, Oneshot, Retrospect of the 2018 season, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 10:14:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17119439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taj_mahal/pseuds/taj_mahal
Summary: A look at Rafa's 2018 season - countdown style from 10 to 1.





	Countdown - 2019

Countdown – 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

*November 2018 – Barcelona*

By the time Rafa tells the world that his season is over and that he is having surgery because now it's prudent to do so because of the schedule and the time left before yet another season starts, the procedure itself is already done. It's a minimally invasive surgery – but a surgery none the less. Not that there is anything to fear. Rafa knows he's in good hands and the good thing about it is that it is neither a lengthy nor complicated surgery. According to what his doctor tells him once he is done, everything has been going exactly according to plan.

As much as Rafa is glad to hear that, it's not exactly something he needs a repeat of any time soon.   
He has been conscious through it all, as the procedure is being performed under local anesthesia. He could have looked, could have observed the surgeon working but Rafa has opted for lying flat on his back, closing his eyes and concentrating on his breathing while trying his best to ignore the busy commotion that is an OR in session around him. The surgeon had gladly offered him the chance to watch and explain the whole thing to him while working, but a surgical instrument sticking out of his foot, while a set of doctors and nurses work around him, is not something Rafa has felt particularly compelled to see.

It's a strange experience – very much different from the last time he's been here for surgery. Back then he has been unconscious for the whole thing and even though he won't feel drowsy and quite out of it like he did the last time, waking up after surgery, it's still not something he would call a pleasant experience. There is no pain – only when the anesthesiologist uses a syringe to numb the surgical area. Even that is not exactly painful. It's simply uncomfortable, especially in such a sensitive area... During the procedure itself all there is, is a certain amount of pressure and the sounds of surgical tools clinking and the beeping and whirring of different machinery. It's not exactly pleasant to listen to either though. Which is why Rafa keeps his focus on his breathing – in and out, even and deep. 

The procedure is done in a little over 30 minutes and when the surgeon tells him, there are already pieces of gauze taped into place where the surgical instruments have been inserted through the skin. The foot is still numb but his doctor assures him the effects will wear off in a little while. Once that has happened and a pressure bandage has been placed to replace the pieces of gauze, Rafa will be allowed to fly back home later this afternoon. 

He's in a recovery ward right next to the O.R., where he is supposed to spend at least the next hour to hour and a half while the localized anesthetic wears off and the head nurse on duty keeps a close eye on both his vitals and the surgical area, looking for any excess bleeding or other post-operative complications. It's also supposed to help determine the amount of pain – which will inevitably be there once the anesthesia wears of – and adjust the pain management, which is the fancy, medical way of saying he gets a whole bunch of well working pain killers, from there. 

It is there and then that he has the time to post a short message on his social media account, letting people know that this season is definitely over for him, that he had surgery – though he uses a different tense in his message – and that overall it has been a good year for him... Though that is not the words he uses. Because even if it has been a successful year, there have been way too many setbacks in between to call it a good year. The words he opts for is 'complicated'.

Rafa feels the way he puts it in his message to fans, and media as well subsequently, sums it up rather perfectly – it has been a great year whenever he has actually been able to play tennis. The times when he has not – when he has been sidelined and plagued by injury, betrayed by his own body yet again and left to fight and claw his way back to a competitive form, that had not been good times. That had been frustrating and irritating, just as well as sad and depressing... 

Waiting for his surgeon to come to take another look at the surgical area, prescribe him the pain killers he needs and then send him on his way, Rafa has time, too much time. Time to think, time to contemplate. It's the right time to do it – now more than ever. This season is over for him and there is nothing else he can do. When if not now is the right time to allow himself the chance to ponder about this particular season that has now come to a close for him. 

*#*

*10 years since Wimbledon 2008*

The first thing that comes to his mind is Wimbledon and Rafa can't quite fathom why that is. It hasn't been his best tournament by any means, not his best result, not the most remarkable thing that has happened to him. But this is what comes to his mind first – not his 11th French Open title, not his first win at Roger's Cup in Toronto in ten years, or the fact that he has managed to reach quarterfinals in all four Grand Slam tournaments for the first time in seven years. 

There is something remarkable, something outstanding about this year's Wimbledon though and it ties in with the fact that he has reached quarterfinals in every Grand Slam this year at the least. Because this year's Wimbledon result is the best he has had in seven years. It has been an odd stay at Wimbledon this season and that is for a number of reasons, all of them making it a special tournament in Rafa's mind – one that leaves him with both a smile and a heavy heart at the very same time. 

The most trivial thing is probably the weather. It has been an exceptionally warm summer and that is true for the British isles just as much. Wimbledon has rarely ever been as warm and dry as it has been this year. It's no lie that these kind of conditions have favored him but still it's not the main reason he has had such a good run at the third Grand Slam tournament of this year. It has been nice though especially from a private point of view – warm breezy evenings at his rented house in the village, sharing the patio with his family and team, enjoying the summer evenings. It's been a change to previous years and a nice one at that. 

Then there is the preparation he has had. Pulling out of the usual prep tournament right after his French Open title has been a hard decision, but a good one. It's not the first time he has pulled out of Queens but it's the first time his home island actually presents a chance to properly prepare on the right kind of surface prior to Wimbledon. He has probably never before had such a relaxed preparation for the grass court swing of the season and it has definitely helped him – a lot. 

It has felt a lot like being on holidays – even with the daily practices at the tournament grounds in Santa Ponsa and the intensity that comes with it. But he has stayed in that protective bubble, only being home presents to him, has spent a lot of time with his friends and family as well, has had a chance to put his yacht to good use, spending some quality time on it and he has been home for this part of the season. It has given him an edge he has never had at this time of year before. He has felt more relaxed, more self-assured than he has in years and it has carried him – all the way through to the semifinals. He had dared to hope, dared to dream... and then the dream had ended. 

Everything that has lead up to his loss in the semifinal against Novak, all those little things are moments that almost – but only almost – have Rafa believing in fate, in luck. It had been so close... But at the same time it still feels like it simply wasn't supposed to be. Starting with the long wait for the first semifinal to finish, going on with the fact that they had not been able to finish the match on that Friday evening and ending on the decision to finish the match as they had started it – with the roof closed, which had not exactly favored Rafa's game. 

Still it has been that tiny bit of luck, that has cost him the final and quite possibly the trophy as well. He has played well – he has said as much later in his press conference, calling it a successful tournament and himself happy with his results – and he would have been a deserving winner just as much as Novak. But where the other man has been just a tiny bit better on his service games, managed just a little more precision with hitting the lines and had just a little more luck with some of the odd angles and bounces the little yellow ball took, Rafa has lacked that same little chances. 

And then – with a slip and a fall, just like it had happened for Juan Martin in their previous match – it had been over and the only thing Rafa could still do about the final was to watch and wish both players participating the best for it. He had gone home, two other men had gotten the chance at another Wimbledon trophy and the Grand Slam tournament on the British island had been over for him. 

But it hadn't been what the majority of press interviews and questions had been about, at least not prior to the tournament getting underway. It had all been about something else, something that lay long in the past. There had been the anniversary everybody kept talking about. Ten years ago, Rafa had won a final here – an epic, more than five hour long final Rafa had won against Roger. It had happened a decade ago but it was by no means forgotten. It had been a final that had ended in the twilight of a very long, very eventful, very emotional day. A final Rafa often had referred to as one of the most important things that had happened to him in his career. 

He and Roger both had been asked about it often in those days prior to the tournament starting. There had been reruns on television, there had been questions about the past and questions about the future. There had been inquiries whether he and Roger wished for a re-match and Rafa had done his best to play down the importance of a chance to replay what had happened all those years ago. He had tried to focus on the here and now. But that didn't change or diminish the importance of that final a decade ago even one bit – even if Rafa hadn't admitted that to the press. 

Books had been written about the match, special TV programs – for which both he and Roger and other players playing important matches here at Wimbledon had been interviewed for – had been made and a lot of people – press, fans and fellow players – were still talking about it to this date. Of course the anniversary had pulled all that to the forefront, especially for Roger and him. And Rafa had contemplated, just as he did now. 

It was the one match that had proven to all those doubters and haters that he was not just a clay court specialist, not just a good player on one particular surface, but a great player on all surfaces. For Roger it had been the end of an era and for Rafa it had been the ultimate reward for years and years of hard work, determination and will. It had made up for the disaster that had been the – equally as tight – final of the year before and it had been a dream come true. 

The quarterfinals had destroyed any chance for a repeat though. Roger had lost – had been out on Court 1 at the same time as Rafa had played his match against del Potro - and the Swiss had not been able to prevail. Rafa had seen the result flash on the scoreboards on one of the changeovers and even though he had denied it in the aftermath of his own quarterfinal, seeing Roger lose in such a long, tight match had an effect on Rafa's own game. He had allowed the other man's loss to cause his own concentration to lapse and for a couple of service games after that he had been in trouble.

He had regrouped, had refocused and had won the match in the end but it didn't change the fact that the chance for a revival of their epic final ten years back, of a chance to celebrate the anniversary together out on court, had ended that day. He had tried to not make a big deal out of it in the aftermath when press had asked him about Roger's loss at his own press conference. There wasn't much to say. Roger had lost, Rafa had not and the re-match had been off the table...

\---

Rafa's thoughts are pulled back to the here and now by sensation slowly returning to his still numbed foot. It starts tingling at first and then the throbbing starts. It's only uncomfortable but bearable at first, but Rafa has been warned by his doctor that it won't stay that way. There will be pain – after all they stuck a surgical tool into his foot to manipulate his ankle joint. There is bound to be pain... Rafa tells the nurse about it and she gives him a sympathetic smile, telling him she will get Dr. Cotorro for him.

*#*

*9 tournaments played*

By the time Dr. Cotorro finally makes a re-entry, the throbbing has left the stages of barely still bearable. His foot hurts, a lot, and Rafa is glad for the pills the doctor brings along for him to take. He probably should have said something to the nurse earlier – the doctor tells him as much, as he gives him a mild scolding after handing the pills to him. Even then it's another 15 minutes before the pain dies down to more bearable levels again. His doctor tries his best to distract Rafa from the pain, though telling him how to best care for himself and his hurting foot in the aftermath of the surgery doesn't exactly help Rafa not to think about the pain.

Finally the pills take effect and his doctor has the decency – and sympathy – to wait until then before he inspects the surgical area again. He seems pleased and he tells Rafa as much. Obviously everything has worked out exactly as it should have. He gets the pressure bandage the doctor has told him about, to keep swelling of the foot to a minimum, a pair of crutches to get around without putting any strain on the healing extremity and the strict advice to keep the foot both elevated and away from even the slightest bit of strain for the next couple of days. 

He's supposed to return in a week's time for a check-up and the stitches, what little there are, to be removed. Getting dressed with the thick bandage covering his foot is a feat but Rafa manages. Using the crutches is yet another thing he has to get used to. It's not the first time in his life he is forced to use them but it has been a long time since and getting his bearings on the two walking aids takes some getting used to. He's supposed to go on a trial run under the watchful eyes of his surgeon and only when Dr. Cotorro deems him safely working the crutches, he is allowed to leave. It's no wonder though – a tumble and a fall would be the worst possible thing that could happen to him right now. 

His manager – Carlos Costa – is there to pick him up and take him to the airport. The drive from the clinic to the airport isn't long but still Carlos insists that Rafa sits in the back, with a chance to prop up his leg. It seems his doctor has instructed anybody and everybody involved with the early stages of his recovery on how to best look out for and take care of him. Or maybe it is just Carlos being worried and caring about him. Either way, Rafa doesn't get a say or a chance to sit on the passenger's seat. 

Carlos tries not to sound like a mother hen, tries to stay on the facts, telling him that the plane is already waiting for him, that he will be back on Mallorca in about an hour and a half and that he should call when he comes back to Barcelona in a week to have the stitches removed and the surgeon check up on him. But of course Carlos asks about the procedure as well, asks how it went, asks how Rafa is doing. The younger man feels quite tired by the time they reach the airport and he is glad Carlos goes to sort out the plane and the pilots. It gives Rafa a moment of quiet, a moment more to contemplate. And he does.

\---

His whole season this year consists of nine tournaments. There have been exhibition matches and Davis Cup as well of course but on the ATP tour, it have been nine tournaments in total. He is the top ten player with the least tournaments played this year. It's not like this is how he planned it. His actual plan, the schedule he and his team had come up with for this year, consisted of twice as many tournaments. He would have wanted to play them – would if he could. But his body has cheated him out of more chances... 

Still his own social media statement rings true: when he has been able to play he has been very successful. Comparing his achievements and his ranking points with other top players in regard to the number of tournaments they have played, it's nothing short of a miracle that he has managed to retain such a high ranking. But with five tournaments won and 5500 points gained because of it, he certainly can't complain. Of the overall tournaments he has played he has won more than he has lost – which other player can say that for himself?

It's hard work and determination and maybe a tiny bit of that elusive luck here and there, that Rafa refuses to believe in most of the time. There have been some very long, very exhausting matches. Those matches press likes to call epic... Rafa usually calls them very good – like the quarterfinal against Juan Martin at Wimbledon or the quarterfinal against Dominic at the US Open. But those matches have not only been on a very high competitive level and of the utmost quality when it comes to tennis. 

They have also been some of the most demanding, exhausting and grueling things he has done this year. Some of those matches caused injuries as a direct result and that certainly hasn't been a positive thing for him. But even with this little tournaments played, he knows he should feel happy, should feel blessed really. Other fellow players have played nine tournaments this year and haven't even won one of them... 

*#*

*8 weeks since his last competitive match*

Carlos gets the logistics of his travel home organized quickly enough and as with any air travel, there is a bit of hectic before Rafa is on the plane and they are ready to go. It's only when he is settled on the private plane – crutches by his side and foot elevated – that he allows himself to return to his reminiscing. He has time to do that now, because there isn't much else for him to do during the flight. 

The flight isn't long – just about as long as the drive home from Palma airport will be – but with the sky already darkening in these early evening hours, there won't be much to look at. He could listen to some music instead but somehow – ever sine he has started going down memory lane when it comes to this season – he wants to finish what he started. It's like a countdown almost – though that isn't what he intended. He likes the notion though – it puts a small, sardonic smile on his face. A countdown to the next season... 

\---

His last match played has happened eight weeks ago. He has not played a single competitive match since his withdrawal from the US Open semifinal. Not even one. Davis Cup and the Asian swing have been out of the question right from the start. His battered knees have needed rest and he has needed a chance to recuperate. He has made the best of the time off, has taken a chance to sail his yacht to the French coast and has tried to enjoy himself despite the fact that he isn't exactly healthy or okay. He has hated missing Davis Cup, he has hated not being able to help the Spanish team but the only thing he can do about it is to accept the facts as they are. 

He has worked hard, mostly putting in physical training because practicing has been out of the question for the majority of the time. He has adhered to his sponsorship responsibilities and of course he has taken time for himself as well. None of that is in vain, none of that is wrong but still that is how it has felt at times. Of course it is not a thought process Rafa has allowed in – and when it has still somehow managed to sneak up on him he hasn't allowed those thoughts to linger. A negative attitude only breeds negative results. Still staying positive is easier said than done at times and the last eight weeks have been a test in patience just as much as in endurance and keeping himself thinking positive. 

In all those weeks of recuperating, he has hoped for another chance towards the end of the season. He has known that he isn't traveling to Paris at 100 percent and with way less practice than he would have liked. But he has wanted to try anyway... That is all it has been in the end – a desperate attempt. He hasn't even gotten a chance in Paris, stopped before he could play even one match. It has been a precaution mostly and he knows it's for the best but that doesn't make pulling out of yet another tournament any easier. 

And on top of it all, withdrawing in Paris – as sensible as the decision has been – has cost him the number one ranking... He hasn't even had the chance to fight for it, that is what gets to him the most. At least with a fighting chance, he could put it on his performance, his will and determination to win. But this way, it is his battered body denying him the chance to fight for what is his to fight for... yet again. 

\---

That familiar but never really comfortable feeling of a sinking stomach that comes with the drop in altitude as the pilots start the descent to Palma airport, pulls Rafa from his thoughts. He has to smile despite himself. What is true for the flight in between Barcelona and Palma is just as true for this part of the season and all those weeks passing by since he has last been able to pick up a racket and actually play any competitive tennis - it's amazing how time seems to fly.

*#*

*7 tournaments finished*

His mother picks him up at the airport in Palma, ushers him onto the backseat of the car just like Carlos did back in Barcelona and tells him to prop his bandaged leg up and give it the rest it needs. She's worried and that worry shines and radiates from every last fiber of her being. It is to be expected after all – she is his mother and he is her only son, her first-born... Not coming with him – even though the procedure was minor and the surgery small – has been hard on her. Which is why she has come to get him in the first place. 

It's a phenomenon how his mother manages to make him feel like he's five years old again, whenever he is sick or injured in some way. Whether it is something simple like a cold, something chronic like the knees or something new like the aftereffects of today's surgery, her reaction is the same. She does what she always does when she is worried about him. She asks an excessive amount of questions – pretty much the same questions in different variations - and by the fifth time he tells her he feels fine, she stops asking. Instead she gazes at him with the help of the rear view mirror from time to time, like she feels the need to make sure he is actually there and still very much fine. 

The drive is mostly silent now that his mother had assured herself that her son is doing okay and with the darkness settling in and Rafa knowing the stretch of road between Palma and his home pretty much by heart, there is nothing much for him to look at. His thoughts drift again, drift back to his earlier line of thinking. He tries to hide the smile that threatens to play on his lips as he realizes that it is actually a countdown, because the numbers - his mind comes up with - keep getting smaller. Would he grin, his mother would probably ask him why. 

\---

Out of the nine tournaments played, he has finished seven of them – not having to drop out due to injury – and only two of those have not ended with him winning the trophy. The quota is definitely something to be proud about. But he knows that already and gloating while thinking about this all to himself, is definitely not something Rafa wants to do. There is nothing much to gloat about anyway. He stays by what he has stated earlier – it has been a complicated, a difficult year overall. 

Still those two tournaments lost have not exactly been bad experiences. The first one is Wimbledon of course and that has occupied his mind at length already. Even now he doesn't like thinking back to the semifinal – not too often at least. It has been so, so close. And as happy and proud as he is of his accomplishments at the All England Club this year, it doesn't change the fact that he has dropped out of the tournament sooner than he has wanted or wished. But that is the sport for you – and it rings true for life in general as well – you can't always get what you want...

Madrid has been sort of a blessing in disguise. It's a clay court tournament and it seems he is somehow expected to win those – ever and always. When he does not, there is an outcry. Like there has been any and every time he has managed anything less than a win in the final of Roland Garros. Those haven't exactly been good times for him either. Some of those losses have been extremely hard to deal with. But Madrid this year is different. Of course he hasn't enjoyed the loss and the early out. But it's not as devastating an experience as other tournaments he has dropped out of early. 

Madrid has always been different from the other clay court tournaments. It's the high altitude and the different kind of surface used that makes it play more like a hard-court tournament than a clay-court one. In the end, losing early there has taken a lot of the pressure off him. He has had ample time to prepare for the Masters in Rome, he has won that and he has arrived in Paris with a very good feeling. Losing the one tournament of the clay court season he likes the least anyway, has given him both perspective and confidence.

Perspective because after a lengthy break lasting for two months, he has managed to win two tournaments in a row, both of those finals ending in his favor rather comfortably. It has been too good to be true, like walking around in a dream even though he knows exactly that he is awake. Madrid has been his wake-up call, his bubble bursting and it has reminded him that he is neither invincible nor unbeatable.

Oddly enough, knowing that is exactly what has brought Rafa confidence. Not winning every last tournament leading up to the French Open makes him feel like he doesn't have to at the Grand Slam either. It's not an obligation, it's an option. It makes it easier for him to be at ease, to go into his matches without any expectations and to make the best of the situation at hand. It's exactly what he does and it's exactly what gains him the victory and his 11th title in the end. 

*#*

*6 major tournaments left out*

Instead of taking him to Porto Cristo – where he could have stayed at the family sea side home or his yacht respectively and would have been on his own - his mother takes him to Manacor. They haven't really talked about this but Rafa can't say that he minds. Maybe being at the family home in Manacor lacks privacy, but he has his own bedroom and bathroom here and a lot of people he can trust in and count on to help him out if help is needed in the coming days. Of course his mother does it mainly so she and the rest of his family can keep an eye on him – both on his recovery process as well as him adhering to doctor's advice and taking it easy the next couple of days. 

His father is home of course, so are his sister and his girlfriend and they have prepared dinner. It's still a little early and the pain killers have pretty much killed his appetite but as his family has made an effort on his behalf, he can't very well tell them he won't have dinner with them. He doesn't eat much. But given the fact that he has to retell the tale of his surgery and how he has been doing right after and is doing right now, he doesn't get to do much eating anyway. As glad and happy as he is for his family's worry and interest, telling the same story for the third time in a row is sort of tiring.

He gets a chance for a breather when they are done with the main course and his mother proposes dessert. While his girlfriend and sister offer to clear the table, his mother takes his father along to help her cut the cake that is waiting for them for dessert and Rafa has a moment to himself. Somehow he doubts that is coincidence. All of these people who are here on his behalf tonight, know him for a long time and they know him very well. They can easily discern that he is both tired and wary of company.

They leave him alone in the dining room for a bit and for some reason Rafa's thoughts wander away from the more positive things that happened this season, to the less good ones. But then again it isn't a surprise. Good came with the bad this year – it's why he called it a complicated season. It has been – especially in those weeks and months when he has been sidelined and unable to play. All in all that's about half the time of this season. No wonder his thoughts revolve around that particular fact as well. 

\---

Apart from some minor tournaments and the rather painful fact that he has not been able to help the Spanish team win their Davis Cup match-up against France due to injury as well, Rafa has missed six major tournaments this year. They all have their own appeal and special place in his heart, as all of them gather a massive amount of memories – both good and bad ones. If he has to draw favorites though, missing the early season US hard court swing stings the most.

Indian Wells is a tournament where he has always done rather well for himself. He's looking on three singles and two doubles titles when it comes to this particular event and even tough it is by no means anywhere close to what he has achieved in Monte Carlo or Barcelona for example, it's still something to be proud of. It's not the only reason missing out stings though. Rafa can safely say that he likes that tournament, likes the fact that it feels a little like a Grand Slam because the field of players is wider, the time the tournament is played longer. And of course California at that time of year is a beautiful place to be at. 

Miami – though entirely different when it comes to both the venue and the climate – always tends to feel a little like a home away from home. Miami is one of the US cities with the largest Spanish speaking population and it shows – in fans asking for autographs or photos, in journalists showing up at the press conference or in staff attending to him and his fellow players. The majority of those people not only speak Spanish bu have grown up with it. In Miami he rarely ever has to deal with finding the correct word or phrasing in English. It simply isn't necessary. 

Weather wise it's probably a blessing in disguise that he hasn't been able to play in Miami though. Even this early in the year it is very warm and above all it is very humid. It takes a lot of strength and stamina to prevail in this kind of conditions and more often than not he hasn't been able to do that. So as relaxed and laid back as the tournament in Miami might be from a personal point of vie – especially when it comes to language barriers and feeling more at ease with himself using his mother tongue most of the time, it is still one hell of a difficult tournament to play.

For the later part of the year, Cincinnati presents very much the same problem as Miami. It's in august and of course it is hot and humid and at times simply unbearable to play in those conditions. After winning Toronto and with being defending champion at the US Open, deciding to skip this tournament and protect both his mind and his body in order to arrive in New York in the best possible condition has not been a hard one. It has probably been one of the most sensible – and easiest – decisions he has made this year. 

Shanghai is probably just as easy a miss for him as Cincinnati has been. It means no excessive traveling, no getting used to a massive time difference and to all the exotic oddities that come with sending time in the far east – eve if most of it is pend in between the hotel and the tennis center. He has had none of that this year. Incidentally the US. And Australia have been his farthest travels this year. 

He has mixed feelings when it comes to this particular Asian tournament, mixed memories. He has had good years here, like last year where he has played the final against Roger. And he has had bad years – like 2014 when he had spent the major part of the whole weekend prior to the tournament in agony with a yet to be diagnosed appendicitis that had not only sidelined him for that tournament but had cost him the rest of the season because of the need for surgery and recuperating. That had not been a good year... And this year he hasn't had the chance to go due to yet another injury.

And then of course there is Paris and the World Tour Finals now and he can't compete there either. Of course the surgery has been planned and it is necessary. But necessity has never made it easier to deal with the frustration and inadequacy he always feels when all he can do is either rest or work on getting back to form... He could try to fool himself and tell himself that maybe it's better this way. It's really not though. He is a professional tennis player – he's supposed to play tennis... But being true to himself his tennis has never exactly been his best towards the end of the season.

It's probably why - once again - those are tournaments he has mixed feelings about. The later part of the season – the indoor hard court swing – has never been his favorite or has been particularly easy on him in that regard. He has been forced to leave out the World Tour Finals more times than he can count... and it has been a disappointment every last time. This year – unfortunately – is not in the least bit different...

\---

His parent, sister and girlfriend all return to the dining room at the same time, each of them carrying a plate with a piece of chocolate cake, his mother balancing two of them and .putting the second plate down in front of him. There is that knowing smile on his mother's face and Rafa gives her a grateful grin in return. She is his mother after all – she will always know what is best and she will always know what he needs – even if he himself is not yet aware of it. Right now he has needed a moment to himself...

*#*

*5 tournaments won*

When dinner is done it is still early but there is no denying that Rafa feels tired. It has been a long day, with two flights and a surgical procedure in between and what he feels the greatest need for right now is sleep. It's supposed to help him recuperate, sleep gives the body a better chance at recovering from injury sooner. Of course it means little to nothing. There is a time frame with the surgery and the rest he is supposed to take and there is little to be done about that. He has to be patient. But he is used to having to be patient. This is not his first rodeo after all... 

His family is sympathetic to how he feels though Rafa is sure they hate to see him go. They worry about him – more than they probably should. It's one of the reasons he is here now. Because his mother deemed it best for him not to be alone. But he does get some time and space for himself after all. It is only when he is alone in the confines of his own bedroom, with dinner done and with the feat of getting himself cleaned up and ready for bed on just one good foot to stand on , that his thoughts turn down a happier path again.

\---

Out of the seven tournaments Rafa has been able to finish, he has won five. That's roughly 70 percent of them... If that isn't a good quota, he isn't sure what is. Still it doesn't change certain facts – like that he still very much wishes he would have been able to finish more tournaments this year – even if they had ended in losses – or that the doubters and haters would probably say he has won the tournaments he is expected to win. That's what critics are for though – to say stupid things. And saying he is expected to win the majority of clay court tournaments is definitely stupid. 

Still there is no denying the fact that it has been a great swing, a great part of the season. Three wins in five weeks is a lot more than Rafa has ever expected. Especially given the fact that Monte Carlo – the first of the clay court Masters – has been the first tournament he has played after months and months of being sidelined due to injury after the Australian Open, having to postpone his return to the tour a couple of times in the process. Monte Carlo had been his return – and it had been a glorious one at that. 

Then there had been Barcelona – which is the closest to a home tournament Rafa has. He always feels exceptionally welcome here. The tournament officials are happy to have him, the fans are happy to have him and he is happy to be here. Barcelona is a staple in his yearly schedule and even if – for the sake of longevity – it is important to him to keep his tournament schedule light, he would not miss Barcelona for anything, not if he doesn't have to. 

Calling it a cake walk would neither be fair to his opponents nor exactly accurate. But there hasn't been a single match that has gone to three sets and there have been sets where his opponents haven't managed to win even a single game. The final is no exception in that regard – the whole thing is over in a little over an hour, which is sort of unbecoming of the quality and talent of his young opponent, and Rafa has managed his second 11th title in a tournament that year. 

Rome – after the breather the relatively early out in Madrid has given him – has definitely been a little more balanced for Rafa. Winning matches in Rome hasn't come as easy to him as it did in both Monte Carlo and Barcelona. But then again it never really has. He hasn't won that particular tournament in five, hasn't even played a final there in four years. Winning in Rome – right ahead of the French Open – has been a great experience, one that he is grateful for... and a great opening for the clay court Grand Slam starting the week after. 

Roland Garros has been special, but then again the French Grand Slam tournament is almost always a special experience to Rafa. Media goes as far and likes to call it his – his tournament, his Grand Slam, his turf, his reign... It's a stupid thing to say, because there are no guarantees in tennis – not in any sport for that matter. But still that does not mean there is no special connection – to the tournament, the officials, the fans – though that hasn't always been a good one – and the city of Paris. And of course he celebrates his birthday here more often than nor, which gives the French Open another special meaning. 

The way to the final has been smooth – with only the quarterfinal presenting a match in which Rafa has dropped a set – but it has by no means been easy. No way through the whole field of fellow players at a Grand Slam tournament is ever easy, even if the media likes to pretend it is for him in Paris... And then of course there has been one rather scary moment during the final, when his body had tried to betray him there for a moment, his hand cramping badly, leaving him unable to even hold on to the damn racket. But the moment had passed, the physio had helped and he had won – as he was supposed to... 

Toronto has come as a surprise to him. The very first signs of the problems with his knee that had cost him a chance at the semi finals during the US Open in the end, had already presented itself here and still he had managed his way to the final. The transition to hard court is never easy, the matches had been anything but easy and still he had found his way to that final and to the title. And he had been happy with it, more than words could say. It had been ten years since his last win in Tornoto, five since last winning the Roger's Cup and – coincidentally – just as long since he has lost won a hard court outdoor Masters tournament. 

Poor Stefanos Tsitsipas – who had his opponent in the final of a Masters tournament the second time around this year – who had tried and had failed, though this time around the result had reflected the younger man's qualities a little better. The young Greek has even made a joke about it prior to the final in Stockholm, the first final he has played that year that he has won – joking that he has a chance this time because Rafa isn't there to compete against him. 

\---

His thoughts are taken back to the reality around him by pain yet again. With the surgery only a couple of hours ago and the painkillers he has taken working it's way through and out of his system for just as long, it's no surprise the pain makes a reappearance now. But that is what he has gotten a prescription for. He takes another one of his pain pills, waits for the throbbing, stabbing and pinching to subside and then he goes to bed. 

*#*

*4 days of bedrest*

His first full day back at home is an exceedingly dull affair. As dinner has been early and the day has tired him – along with the fact that the second pain pill he has taken has made him a bit drowsy – Rafa wakes up early the next morning. He wakes to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and he assumes that means his parents are already up, even though it's only a little past 7:30 in the morning. They probably went to bed just as early as he has done. 

Of course the first thing his mother asks when he comes down to breakfast, is how is night was and if he is feeling okay. It's a little much, a little suffocating – and judging from the slightly strained smile on his father's face Rafa isn't the only one who thinks that way – but his mother means well and he answers her questions patiently even though he has nothing new to tell. After breakfast he returns to his room for a bit of privacy. Privacy he gets, but it also means he has to walk and even though he feels okay, walking is not exactly easy on only one leg. 

Stairs are a bitch, there is no two ways about it – especially on the way down. He tries to keep the up and down to a minimum and mostly moves in between his bed and different other seating furniture that allows for him to prop his legs up. His parents, his mother especially, keeps a close eye on him and makes sure he actually keeps to what he is supposed to do - not move around too much, keep pressure and strain off his bandaged leg and keep the foot propped up.

Rafa hates the fact that his doctor and surgeon back in Barcelona has put him on four days of absolute rest – a fact that, for some miraculous reason, his entire family and team know about as well. He hates bed rest – with an emphasis on the word 'hate'. Especially if he doesn't feel sick. Of course he's not fine – the bandaged foot and the crutches he needs for walking betray as much. But he's not weak or feverish or anything. He feels fine, he's free of pain due to the prescribed pills and most of all he is bored. 

Sitting around doing nothing isn't something that comes easily to him. It's simply not who he is. It reminds him a lot of the first few days and weeks after dropping out of the Australian Open due to his hip injury. He wasn't allowed to do much of anything but lie in bed, rest and recuperate while dealing with both the debilitation and the pain of it... This time it's not so hard, not so difficult but still it doesn't change the fact that Rafa hates sitting around uselessly like this.

Even in times of injury, of recuperating and trying to get himself back into shape for competition, he never simply sits around. Not even on holidays it is something he likes to do. In his free time, he takes the yacht out, he spends time with his friends and family, he goes for a swim out at sea, he goes fishing or for a round of golf. He visits the academy, he practices, he goes to the gym. There simply is no time for sitting around like this and even if there was it's not something he enjoys – not now, not ever.

But he has no choice right now and his mother is like a bloodhound when it comes to him taking care of himself properly. So he settles in his parents living room in an armchair with a stool for the foot and a view of the main plaza out the windows. He would have preferred a different view though that certainly is not his parent's fault. Or maybe it is – after all his mother has decided to take him here. 

Both the house in Porto Cristo and the yacht would have provided that different seaside view he longs for along with the chance to rest with his legs up... The sight of the sea has always managed to soothe and calm him. Maybe he can ask one of his parents to take him later on today. He is pretty sure they will understand his reasoning and – as they have already established yesterday – the back seat of a car is as good a place to prop his bandaged foot up as any.

His mother is a little reluctant when he asks for her help, actually asking him if he is sure he wants this, wants to stay alone at the house in Porto Cristo. Rafa has to smile at her worries. As... restricted as he feels at the family home – staying with his parents – he is happy to be here. He doesn't get to spend too much time with his family. Even when they accompany him to tournaments, there are so many other responsibilities – tennis related and otherwise – he barely has any time he can spent with them. He is happy to be here and he plans to return. All he wants is a change in scenery. And that is exactly what he tells his mother in response to her anxious question.   
His mother smiles in response. 

*#*

*3 legs to get around*

His sister has been the one to make the stupid joke – telling him he is better off this way, as he now has three legs to get around. The problem with that bit of wittiness, as true as it is, is the fact that only one of those legs is actually his own. The walking aides help him to get around but of course they also limit him as he has both his arms occupied with something they usually don't have to do. 

It's not the first time Rafa has been on crutches but the last time has been quite a while ago. It has been more than a decade and somehow his mind has simply managed to forget how much having to use both hands to move his one good foot around sucks. He supposes it's a lot like what happens to pregnant women who manage to forget the pain and misery of childbirth... Maybe it isn't quite as drastic. But Rafa certainly has to relearn how to use the crutches properly – especially in critical situations... like the stairs. 

But that is not his only problem. The use of the crutches – or more so the doctor's orders to keep any strain of his bandaged and operated upon foot – limits him quite a bit and somehow he has managed to forget all about it. There are things that come naturally to him that he simply cannot do right now – like balancing a plate of food while walking up or down a flight of stairs. Or like taking a shower or even something as simple as brushing his teeth. Some stuff is rather easily manageable other things however, he needs his family for.

Driving is one of the main aspects. He can't do that right now – which is why he asked his mother to act as his driver in the first place - and as the last thing he wants to be is a burden on anyone, though he is sure his family would never see it that way - Rafa very much tries to keep his needs small. But the wish to go to Porto Cristo, to be closer to the sea and to simply have a nicer view, that stays. And now that his mother knows he doesn't plan on staying on his own, she gladly indulges in wish fulfillment.

Instinct tells him to try to do everything on his own first before actually asking for help. At least when it comes to the things he is pretty sure he can do on his own. After all he's neither a child nor an invalid – though right now, temporarily, maybe he is – and he is very much used to his independence. 

Over the next couple of days a routine develops, where his mother functions as his driver and always puts on a smile whenever he asks for her help. It's her way of showing him that she doesn't mind. This way he gets to spend time at the sea side house, gets to visit the academy and gets to do pretty much everything he usually would do when at home. It's with the help of his family – which he can accept and be grateful for – and it's all a bit slower than usual. But he feels almost normal.

The next few days are an exercise in repetition helping Rafa to gain experience. He gets more adapt in using the crutches, his little makeshift solutions to work around his bandaged and pretty much useless right leg work out better and some things that have still troubled him on the first day are less of a problem on the third. He and his two aiding aluminum legs get along with one another. It still sucks of course but he gets by.

Still Rafa is more than happy when the fourth day after the surgery finally comes around and – even though his mother especially tells him to take it easy and not force anything – he can put the walking aides aside. He's by no means fine as of yet – after all there is a rather lengthy process of recovery still ahead of him – but at least he has his hands free again and his independence restored. 

*#*

*2 months to the start of the new season*

On that fourth day when he is finally – mercifully – allowed to let go of the stupid crutches and use his own two legs again, Rafa actually wakes with a grin on his face. It's both surprising and a little scary how much one is used to the simple things in life and how easily the most basic routines that come natural to him can be disrupted. It is actually an experience that gives him perspective and makes him appreciate what he has – now more so than ever.

Taking his first steps on his own two feet again, Rafa is careful of course. His mother would be proud... The foot still feels a bit tender but at least he's in no need of the painkillers any more. So far everything seems to be going according to plan. The only problem with that is, that the plan his doctor has come up with, is not one that can be called short term by any means. For now Rafa can walk on the foot again but he is supposed to take it easy.

Gradually physical therapy is to be included into his daily regimen. Only a little at first and in a way that doesn't put too much strain on the ankle and then more of it, in a more demanding capacity and with the purpose to strengthen the ankle and get him back into shape. It will be until early December before he can actually set foot on a practice court again and until then there is a lot of work ahead of him in the coming weeks. 

None of that would be necessary without the surgery but that is not a line of thinking Rafa indulges in. Because the surgery itself has been necessary. The decision has been prudent and sensible and it's the right one. He needs a fully functional ankle joint to be able to play on the highest level. Right now however it's frustrating because there is little to nothing he can do on the foot other than walk on it. Sport is out of the question, extended physical therapy is out of the question and of course practice is – very much so – out of the question.

But the plan – the schedule – his doctor and physio have worked out for him, will have him ready in time for the new season. He trusts both of them – pretty much trusts them with his life and he definitely trust them with his career and well-being. He knows they try to come up with a regimen that will work best for both his physical needs and his professional ones. It's a balancing act of course because sometimes those things are mutually exclusive... 

Right now Rafa does not allow that thought to linger. Negative thinking only breeds negative results. And he has no need for those. What he needs is a positive attitude and a lot of will and determination. It's a lot of work yet to be completed and it will be exhausting at times. But then again that is something Rafa is used to. The main thing he is worried about is to be in good enough shape, and in the right mindset to start the new season successfully. The last thing he wants or needs is any kind of delay. 

There have been too many times before when injury has prevented him from competing in his sport. This season has been no exception in that regard and his current injury very much keeps him from the competition right this very moment. He doesn't want to start the new season like that. He doesn't want to miss out on the Australian Open or the US hard court swing in the spring. Not again, not a second year in a row. 

He needs for this recovery to be smooth, he needs for the schedule to work out and above all else he needs his body to do as it's supposed to. Nothing has ever been more frustrating than being betrayed by his own physicality and to be mercilessly shown the limits his own body bestows on him. He does not need a repeat of AO or the US Open of this season. Actually he never needs another injury ever again. That however is wishful thinking – Rafa knows that. But he can hope of course. 

*#*

*1 goal for the future*

It's not until the sixth day after surgery that Rafa actually finds himself at his first session of physical therapy – after a phone call to Barcelona yet again detailing how he is doing, this time to his doctor. It's literally the first step on a long journey and it gets him thinking, thinking about the not too distant future. 

There are things he wishes for, things he hopes for when it comes to the new season beginning at the end of December. Some of those things he has wished for a while now – like the chance for a second title at the Australian Open. He has come close – last year, four years ago, six years ago – but he hasn't prevailed, not yet anyway. Next season there is a new chance and maybe, just maybe this time will be the right time...

It's not about victories alone though. Of course winning tournaments is important to him. He doesn't play tennis to lose – none of them do. What Rafa wants is a chance to continue his trajectory. As he has said on social media – when he has been able to play, his level of tennis has been good, very good even at some tournaments, maybe even exceptional in some matches. He wants to hold onto that and he wants to continue to work and improve. 

He's not the only one with that goal and it will definitely not be an easy task ahead of him. Then again a season of professional tennis is never easy. He's not the only one wanting to win, wanting to improve his game and fight for ranking points. Of course regaining the number one ranking would be a great added bonus to any tournament won but it will be a difficult fight. It's not his major concern though. After all the number in rankings is just that – a number. As long as he is happy with his game and doing what he can to compete in the best possible conditions, Rafa counts it as a success. 

The one, the major thing he aims for in this new season yet to start, is to stay healthy. There is only so much he can do about it. Some of his physical problems are permanent. No amount of physical therapy, of training and practicing and strengthening muscles and joints and ligaments will ever make them go away. The problem with his knees is a chronic one, the problem with his ankle that has made the surgery necessary had been going on for a while as well. 

And he is not getting any younger, which in his kind of daily life, in his kind of profession, is not a good thing. Age makes certain things more difficult – muscles grow weaker, reflexes grow slower, stamina diminishes. It's simply how it is and there is nothing he can do to fight that. It's not like he is afraid of growing older but he is very much aware that his time as a professional athlete at the height of his game is limited.

There are things he can do though – be sensible in his scheduling, plan for enough time in between tournaments to stay fit and healthy, try to avoid those utterly long matches like against Novak at Wimbledon or against Dominic in New York. He can try, he can plan and strategize and above all he can fight. In the end – hopefully – it will be enough to have a season that will end with him saying that it has been a good one. Not one he has mixed feelings about, not one he has to call complicated. But one he can call both great and successful – in tournament results and regarding his health. That what Rafa wishes for, what he hopes for... and what he works for. 

\- FIN -


End file.
